"How do I not think about it constantly?"

Yesterday, I had lunch with a co-worker of my husband.  I know SM from hubby's work gatherings here and there but I would not have called her a close friend, until now.  Now she is one of my infertile friends and one of the first that I can talk with and have lunch with.  Most of my other infertility 'friends' are people that don't even know me but I feel like I know them from readying their blogs. 

Back to lunch, I told SM about our infertility story that we have been trying for almost 3 years now, that we have done clomid, 3 IUIs with clomid, and how this past year we have been saving our money for IVF this spring.  I explained how we are not really sure what the root cause of our infertility, we just can't seem to get our stars to align. 

SM explained their story.  They have been trying for over a year and have just completed their first IUI and are in the 2WW.  We share infertility stories, complained about everyone being pregnant, questioning our faith, how our husbands think we are crazy,  and everything in between.  It was great to have someone who I can speak with that actually, truly understands the situation and my feelings.

"How do I not think about it constantly?"
It is the one question SM asked that I could not answer and it has bothered me since our lunch.  I do not know how to answer it.  I told her that it is always, always on the back of my mind.  That I try to keep busy with work, CPA, crocheting, and whatever else but it is always there.  When I have a good day, something will remind me I am still infertile rather it be a pregnant belly, facebook, or just home alone. 

Since my sister in law announced her pregnancy and I hit an infertility rock bottom, I have stopped focusing on it.  I think I have made a personal decision to not allow infertility control my life.  I think/hope every infertile has a moment when they realize they are missing out on life when dwelling on infertility.   I found the following quote the other day on Pinterest and I read it when I find myself dwelling.

Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. 

It empties today of its strenghts - Mary Engelbreit

Fingers crossed for my new infertile friend that at the end of her 2WW is a BFP!

The ball is set in motion!!

Wow, the ball is set in motion!  I feel anxious, nervous, excited, and a little scared!  I just keep telling myself to breath in, breath out. 

Yesterday, I called the fertility clinic to see what needs to be done to start IVF.  I knew they had a couple of test they wanted the hubs and I to do.    I have to do a SHG (Sonohysterogram) test.  It appears to be similar to the HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) I did last year except it is a ultrasound vs. a X-ray.  I am hoping the SHG test is less painful than the HSG.  I cramped a lot with HSG.  I am lucky and do not tend to cramp during PMS (I get backaches.) so the cramping threw me for a loop!

I have to do the SHG at the end of my period.   Which now leaves me waiting until my next cycle to test.  Constantly waiting!  I feel this year my New Year's resolution is accept waiting and enjoy the moment in time aka keeping my mind otherwise occupied. 

The hubs needs to do a current semen analysis.  I have giving him all the necessary information and all he has to do is schedule the 'donation' prior to my next cycle. 

I am half way done with my CPA!  I passed the FAR section! My next CPA exam, REG, is the first Friday in February.  My cycle will be starting the end of January/early February so it looks like I will be in my normal crazy state at the end of January!

The nurse said after my SHG test I will be starting the IVF med protocol! 

Again, I would like to reiterate my excitement and yet scared silly for the process to begin.  I will put my feelings into words later.  Currently, I am focusing on breathing in, breathing out!

-Kelly

Disappointed

Firstly, I apoligize for only talking about depressing items in my post.  I promise that I am generally a happy person! 

Did I mention that I have beeing obtaining my CPA?  November 17th I took the FAR (Accounting section) of the CPA exam for the second time.  I should find out my score tomorrow-fingers crossed.  Prior to November 17th, I am a wreck!  The meaning of a CPA Widow is full affect in our household.  Luckily, the hubby is very supportive and I am sure he will need a present upon my completion just like I will!  Currently debating on a new Coach purse or a Nook!

Anyways, the evening after taking the test I had a huge weight lifted off my chest.  I tried not to focus on the next exam, REG (regulations & taxes), that I am taking in January.  I tried to relax and thought I was fairly successful. 

At Qdoba at lunch on November 18th, I was checking Facebook and saw my brother-in-law's wife posted, "Heard the heartbeat, today!"   I texted Hubby and asked if his brother's wife was pregnant.  It seemed like it took him an eternity to respond. The next thing I knew is I was answering the hubby's call and walking into the Qdoba's bathroom.  I knew instantly it was true.  In the process of trying to breathe and not to cry (I'm a ugly cryer), I was asking the Hubby 20 questions.

In summary of the conversation, I learned that Hubby knew that they were pregnant for awhile now and had asked his brother and wife to hold of posting on Facebook until after my exam and he had a chance to tell me.  He understood how much this would devastate me.  I think I cried that entire weekend.  I still shouldn't be trusted alone in my car not to break down. 

Disappointed in my brother-in-law's wife
They, also, experienced a little infertility.  They have been trying for a year or so to get pregnant.  They are younger, but her cycle is out of whack.  I know she had a clomid but am unaware if she used it.  Of all people, she should understand what it means to hear pregnancy announcements on Facebook.  She should have been more considerate.  I understand she is just super excited, but I know if/when I became pregnant that there is a few IF that I will personally be calling and letting them know I am pregnant because... well mostly, out of respect. 

Disappointed in the World
My brother-in-law and wife are currently living with my in laws.   They are not in the best place at all in their marriage.  A friend even questions their marriage and if the baby is just for the maternal grandmother.  My brother-in-law's wife has announced that after the baby is born she is spending time down with her mother's and my brother-in-law will just have to accept it.   My husband and I are a good place in our marriage.  After five years, I would say we are in the best place in our marriage that we have ever been.  Infertility has made us closer, somehow.  I am very, truly lucky to have him. I am just frustrated that we have done things 'right' and it isn't working compared to those that are not in stable relationship- it works. 

Disappointed in Myself
Finally, I am disappointed in myself.  I am sadden that my hubby thinks that I am not strong enough to handle this news and personally that I wasn't strong enough. 

Infertility is tough, it consumes you, it makes bitter, irrational, and more importantly it leaves you empty inside.   I do not like what infertility has done to me but I promise every day I fight back, I try to maintain strength and hope.  To what dreams may come...

Thought Vomit Thursday

I am definately stealing the Thought Vomit Thursday from a blog I read on occasion.  I like the idea and today I cannot formulate one good thought to write about.  So here is what is floating around Kellyland today:

• I have dropped 2-3 dress sizes!  I bought a new pair of jeans last weekend and they are 2 sizes smaller than what I was wearing!    I have been doing the MaxMuscle diet and I have lost weight and did not really modify my diet at all. I still eat meat, potatoes, and everything in between.  Having said that I have no motivation to continue to my goal.  My original goal was to lower my body fat % since we will be starting IVF next spring.  I wanted to be healthiest I could be.  Now, I am content.  I still would like to lost 5 lbs more and gain some more muscle... but again need motivation.
• I have an impending CPA exam in less than a month.  I hope I pass this time!  I am studying hard and efficiently so fingers crossed!  Can I tell ya how much I hate Deluted Earnings Per Share and Deferred Taxes!  (Sorry, went geeky on ya!)
• I hate it when people touch me constantly!  I love doing the 'hey, haven't seen ya in a while hug' but after that stop touching me!  My BFF is in this touch, grope phase to me and it is driving me nuts... must find a way to politely, kindly say "Stop explictive touching me!"
• I have to call my mother in law and give her the updated IVF news.  My hubby isn't a talker so I need to let her know whats up.  What's up you ask?  We are starting IVF in January!  I am excited, scared, nervous, and everything in between.  Looking for someone who is starting/going through IVF now that I can follow so I am not caught off guard when we start. 

I think that this is it for me today.  Have a happy!!
Kel

Helpful Friends

Because I found this extremely helpful...

http://eggsandsperm.com/2011/09/06/so-whats-a-fertile-to-do/