First, lets get the CPA exam out of the way. I am pretty sure I failed. I wont officially know until the end of February but the simulations werent pretty at all! Fingers crossed for the best; but, I have accepted I will be retesting in April.
Now the slighly more important stuff!
My SHG test went well. It did not hurt bad at all which I was very thankful about. The doctors said that everythin look great! Which is fabulous, but I still wonder why we are even infertile to begin! But I do not focus on it, we may never know.
We go back on February 15 for training giving myself shots. I start taking lupron shots then. I stop my birth control on February 18. The. A few doctors appt here and there and we should be doing a retreival sometime between March 8-10. Which is perfect, I will be on spring break so I wont be missing to many work days. I work for a university and are lucky enough to get some student holidays off too! We should know if it works by the end of March.
I am so hopeful and excited right now. It makes me nervous I am trying not to get too excited but I just cannot help my self.
Well back to studying, I have another exam in 3 weeks!
Also, sorry if there are more typos than normal. I am posting from my iPhone.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Tomorrow = Crazy Day!
Tomorrow is my next big CPA exam. The regulation and taxation section, and prayers would be greatly appreciated. I don't feel like I am ready but I also don't feel like I can study anymore. I am just tired of studying...but...I...must...push...through. I just cant. Last night I took a break, had a beer, and thought I would be able to pick back up with studying. Nope, one beer turned into two, than three, than bedtime! Hopefully, I will be able to study some tonight. Nothing crazy though, I figure if I don't know it by now I wont learn it tonight. I have never done an all nighter before an exam, even in college. I need sleep to think clearly!
Before my CPA exam tomorrow afternoon, I have an appointment with the RE. I am having a Sonohysterogram (SHG) tomorrow. The test had to be performed this week and tomorrow is the only option that fit in my schedule. SHG is sterile saline will be injected into my uterus. It will allow the RE to determine if my uterus is shaped normally. It may cause cramping. It is painful for some women and not others. GREAT!! I am going to be cramping and not feeling good when I take my CPA exam. Just want I want to do! Whatever happen to massages to relax! haha
On top of all that, I do not know if the birth control is make me anxious or if it is just the thought of tomorrow but I have been unable to sleep well these past few nights. I am hoping about 4:00 tomorrow afternoon that my chest will be lighter. Fingers crossed.
At the RE appointment we will also get my protocol and a schedule of sorts. I LOVE SCHEDULES!!! I hope this will alleviate the weight on my chest.
Before my CPA exam tomorrow afternoon, I have an appointment with the RE. I am having a Sonohysterogram (SHG) tomorrow. The test had to be performed this week and tomorrow is the only option that fit in my schedule. SHG is sterile saline will be injected into my uterus. It will allow the RE to determine if my uterus is shaped normally. It may cause cramping. It is painful for some women and not others. GREAT!! I am going to be cramping and not feeling good when I take my CPA exam. Just want I want to do! Whatever happen to massages to relax! haha
On top of all that, I do not know if the birth control is make me anxious or if it is just the thought of tomorrow but I have been unable to sleep well these past few nights. I am hoping about 4:00 tomorrow afternoon that my chest will be lighter. Fingers crossed.
At the RE appointment we will also get my protocol and a schedule of sorts. I LOVE SCHEDULES!!! I hope this will alleviate the weight on my chest.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Day 1 - Here we go!
It is day 1 - you know what that means. Aunt Flow came to visit me this morning. Which means first thing Monday morning, I am calling the RE and we are starting our IVF process.
I haven't been this excited about getting AF since college! Lol! It is funny how this would ruin my day the last 3 years but today it is joyful! Lets hope that it works and I don't have another one at the end of the process.
Back to studying, next exam is in 6 days!!
Kelly
I haven't been this excited about getting AF since college! Lol! It is funny how this would ruin my day the last 3 years but today it is joyful! Lets hope that it works and I don't have another one at the end of the process.
Back to studying, next exam is in 6 days!!
Kelly
Friday, January 13, 2012
Thought Vomit Thursday... Oops, it's Friday
- I heart 2 hr delays! I work for a university and as an employee I also reap the benefit of 2 hr delays. This morning I enjoyed my 2 hr delay (due to < 1 inch of snow!) by sleeping in, drinking coffee, and watching the beginning of Live with Kelly. It was awesome. I have decided the normal work week should be 10 to 5! I know I am the most productive! (As I sit here writing this blog during work hours:))
- My friend, SM, finished her 2WW with a BFN. My heart goes out to her right now that and a big bottle of wine. However, I like her plan. She and her hubby are going on a small trip. I kind of wish the hubby and I would have done that. It would have been nice to runaway from it all for a moment.
- My next CPA exam is fastly approaching! Oh, shit! I need to buckle down with my studying of taxes!
- Since planning the IVF, the hubby and my lovelife has been improving! It has been great. No stress or worries about if it is going to work this month. The hubby feels like I am no longer just using him for spermies. It has been great to reconnect on that level again and rock each others world.
- I love my NOOK! Hubby got it for me at Christmas and it is fabulous! I just finished The Hunger Games. It was awesome. I highly recommend it. I feel so much for the main character, Katniss. At the end of the games/book, knowing the games changed you and being unable to figure out how you are going to reconcile what you have become in the games and what you were prior to the games. I really related. It is similar to IF. Prior to IF, I never calculated my cycle days, never instensly stared at cervical mucous, or talked about it! Now that is what I do every cycle (which actually, causes my cycle to be out of whack). I am at a place now where I am trying to find the middle ground. Realizing not everyone cares about what the cervical mucous looked like today (even the hubby!). IF has made me stronger. I guess it is kind of like the military... break you down first to build you back up mentality. Well, here is to rebuilding a stronger me, marriage, and everything in between.
Monday, January 9, 2012
"How do I not think about it constantly?"
Yesterday, I had lunch with a co-worker of my husband. I know SM from hubby's work gatherings here and there but I would not have called her a close friend, until now. Now she is one of my infertile friends and one of the first that I can talk with and have lunch with. Most of my other infertility 'friends' are people that don't even know me but I feel like I know them from readying their blogs.
Back to lunch, I told SM about our infertility story that we have been trying for almost 3 years now, that we have done clomid, 3 IUIs with clomid, and how this past year we have been saving our money for IVF this spring. I explained how we are not really sure what the root cause of our infertility, we just can't seem to get our stars to align.
SM explained their story. They have been trying for over a year and have just completed their first IUI and are in the 2WW. We share infertility stories, complained about everyone being pregnant, questioning our faith, how our husbands think we are crazy, and everything in between. It was great to have someone who I can speak with that actually, truly understands the situation and my feelings.
"How do I not think about it constantly?"
It is the one question SM asked that I could not answer and it has bothered me since our lunch. I do not know how to answer it. I told her that it is always, always on the back of my mind. That I try to keep busy with work, CPA, crocheting, and whatever else but it is always there. When I have a good day, something will remind me I am still infertile rather it be a pregnant belly, facebook, or just home alone.
Since my sister in law announced her pregnancy and I hit an infertility rock bottom, I have stopped focusing on it. I think I have made a personal decision to not allow infertility control my life. I think/hope every infertile has a moment when they realize they are missing out on life when dwelling on infertility. I found the following quote the other day on Pinterest and I read it when I find myself dwelling.
Back to lunch, I told SM about our infertility story that we have been trying for almost 3 years now, that we have done clomid, 3 IUIs with clomid, and how this past year we have been saving our money for IVF this spring. I explained how we are not really sure what the root cause of our infertility, we just can't seem to get our stars to align.
SM explained their story. They have been trying for over a year and have just completed their first IUI and are in the 2WW. We share infertility stories, complained about everyone being pregnant, questioning our faith, how our husbands think we are crazy, and everything in between. It was great to have someone who I can speak with that actually, truly understands the situation and my feelings.
"How do I not think about it constantly?"
It is the one question SM asked that I could not answer and it has bothered me since our lunch. I do not know how to answer it. I told her that it is always, always on the back of my mind. That I try to keep busy with work, CPA, crocheting, and whatever else but it is always there. When I have a good day, something will remind me I am still infertile rather it be a pregnant belly, facebook, or just home alone.
Since my sister in law announced her pregnancy and I hit an infertility rock bottom, I have stopped focusing on it. I think I have made a personal decision to not allow infertility control my life. I think/hope every infertile has a moment when they realize they are missing out on life when dwelling on infertility. I found the following quote the other day on Pinterest and I read it when I find myself dwelling.
Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles.
It empties today of its strenghts - Mary Engelbreit
Fingers crossed for my new infertile friend that at the end of her 2WW is a BFP!
Thursday, January 5, 2012
The ball is set in motion!!
Wow, the ball is set in motion! I feel anxious, nervous, excited, and a little scared! I just keep telling myself to breath in, breath out.
Yesterday, I called the fertility clinic to see what needs to be done to start IVF. I knew they had a couple of test they wanted the hubs and I to do. I have to do a SHG (Sonohysterogram) test. It appears to be similar to the HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) I did last year except it is a ultrasound vs. a X-ray. I am hoping the SHG test is less painful than the HSG. I cramped a lot with HSG. I am lucky and do not tend to cramp during PMS (I get backaches.) so the cramping threw me for a loop!
I have to do the SHG at the end of my period. Which now leaves me waiting until my next cycle to test. Constantly waiting! I feel this year my New Year's resolution is accept waiting and enjoy the moment in time aka keeping my mind otherwise occupied.
The hubs needs to do a current semen analysis. I have giving him all the necessary information and all he has to do is schedule the 'donation' prior to my next cycle.
I am half way done with my CPA! I passed the FAR section! My next CPA exam, REG, is the first Friday in February. My cycle will be starting the end of January/early February so it looks like I will be in my normal crazy state at the end of January!
The nurse said after my SHG test I will be starting the IVF med protocol!
Again, I would like to reiterate my excitement and yet scared silly for the process to begin. I will put my feelings into words later. Currently, I am focusing on breathing in, breathing out!
-Kelly
Yesterday, I called the fertility clinic to see what needs to be done to start IVF. I knew they had a couple of test they wanted the hubs and I to do. I have to do a SHG (Sonohysterogram) test. It appears to be similar to the HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) I did last year except it is a ultrasound vs. a X-ray. I am hoping the SHG test is less painful than the HSG. I cramped a lot with HSG. I am lucky and do not tend to cramp during PMS (I get backaches.) so the cramping threw me for a loop!
I have to do the SHG at the end of my period. Which now leaves me waiting until my next cycle to test. Constantly waiting! I feel this year my New Year's resolution is accept waiting and enjoy the moment in time aka keeping my mind otherwise occupied.
The hubs needs to do a current semen analysis. I have giving him all the necessary information and all he has to do is schedule the 'donation' prior to my next cycle.
I am half way done with my CPA! I passed the FAR section! My next CPA exam, REG, is the first Friday in February. My cycle will be starting the end of January/early February so it looks like I will be in my normal crazy state at the end of January!
The nurse said after my SHG test I will be starting the IVF med protocol!
Again, I would like to reiterate my excitement and yet scared silly for the process to begin. I will put my feelings into words later. Currently, I am focusing on breathing in, breathing out!
-Kelly
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Disappointed
Firstly, I apoligize for only talking about depressing items in my post. I promise that I am generally a happy person!
Did I mention that I have beeing obtaining my CPA? November 17th I took the FAR (Accounting section) of the CPA exam for the second time. I should find out my score tomorrow-fingers crossed. Prior to November 17th, I am a wreck! The meaning of a CPA Widow is full affect in our household. Luckily, the hubby is very supportive and I am sure he will need a present upon my completion just like I will! Currently debating on a new Coach purse or a Nook!
Anyways, the evening after taking the test I had a huge weight lifted off my chest. I tried not to focus on the next exam, REG (regulations & taxes), that I am taking in January. I tried to relax and thought I was fairly successful.
At Qdoba at lunch on November 18th, I was checking Facebook and saw my brother-in-law's wife posted, "Heard the heartbeat, today!" I texted Hubby and asked if his brother's wife was pregnant. It seemed like it took him an eternity to respond. The next thing I knew is I was answering the hubby's call and walking into the Qdoba's bathroom. I knew instantly it was true. In the process of trying to breathe and not to cry (I'm a ugly cryer), I was asking the Hubby 20 questions.
In summary of the conversation, I learned that Hubby knew that they were pregnant for awhile now and had asked his brother and wife to hold of posting on Facebook until after my exam and he had a chance to tell me. He understood how much this would devastate me. I think I cried that entire weekend. I still shouldn't be trusted alone in my car not to break down.
Disappointed in my brother-in-law's wife
They, also, experienced a little infertility. They have been trying for a year or so to get pregnant. They are younger, but her cycle is out of whack. I know she had a clomid but am unaware if she used it. Of all people, she should understand what it means to hear pregnancy announcements on Facebook. She should have been more considerate. I understand she is just super excited, but I know if/when I became pregnant that there is a few IF that I will personally be calling and letting them know I am pregnant because... well mostly, out of respect.
Disappointed in the World
My brother-in-law and wife are currently living with my in laws. They are not in the best place at all in their marriage. A friend even questions their marriage and if the baby is just for the maternal grandmother. My brother-in-law's wife has announced that after the baby is born she is spending time down with her mother's and my brother-in-law will just have to accept it. My husband and I are a good place in our marriage. After five years, I would say we are in the best place in our marriage that we have ever been. Infertility has made us closer, somehow. I am very, truly lucky to have him. I am just frustrated that we have done things 'right' and it isn't working compared to those that are not in stable relationship- it works.
Disappointed in Myself
Finally, I am disappointed in myself. I am sadden that my hubby thinks that I am not strong enough to handle this news and personally that I wasn't strong enough.
Infertility is tough, it consumes you, it makes bitter, irrational, and more importantly it leaves you empty inside. I do not like what infertility has done to me but I promise every day I fight back, I try to maintain strength and hope. To what dreams may come...
Did I mention that I have beeing obtaining my CPA? November 17th I took the FAR (Accounting section) of the CPA exam for the second time. I should find out my score tomorrow-fingers crossed. Prior to November 17th, I am a wreck! The meaning of a CPA Widow is full affect in our household. Luckily, the hubby is very supportive and I am sure he will need a present upon my completion just like I will! Currently debating on a new Coach purse or a Nook!
Anyways, the evening after taking the test I had a huge weight lifted off my chest. I tried not to focus on the next exam, REG (regulations & taxes), that I am taking in January. I tried to relax and thought I was fairly successful.
At Qdoba at lunch on November 18th, I was checking Facebook and saw my brother-in-law's wife posted, "Heard the heartbeat, today!" I texted Hubby and asked if his brother's wife was pregnant. It seemed like it took him an eternity to respond. The next thing I knew is I was answering the hubby's call and walking into the Qdoba's bathroom. I knew instantly it was true. In the process of trying to breathe and not to cry (I'm a ugly cryer), I was asking the Hubby 20 questions.
In summary of the conversation, I learned that Hubby knew that they were pregnant for awhile now and had asked his brother and wife to hold of posting on Facebook until after my exam and he had a chance to tell me. He understood how much this would devastate me. I think I cried that entire weekend. I still shouldn't be trusted alone in my car not to break down.
Disappointed in my brother-in-law's wife
They, also, experienced a little infertility. They have been trying for a year or so to get pregnant. They are younger, but her cycle is out of whack. I know she had a clomid but am unaware if she used it. Of all people, she should understand what it means to hear pregnancy announcements on Facebook. She should have been more considerate. I understand she is just super excited, but I know if/when I became pregnant that there is a few IF that I will personally be calling and letting them know I am pregnant because... well mostly, out of respect.
Disappointed in the World
My brother-in-law and wife are currently living with my in laws. They are not in the best place at all in their marriage. A friend even questions their marriage and if the baby is just for the maternal grandmother. My brother-in-law's wife has announced that after the baby is born she is spending time down with her mother's and my brother-in-law will just have to accept it. My husband and I are a good place in our marriage. After five years, I would say we are in the best place in our marriage that we have ever been. Infertility has made us closer, somehow. I am very, truly lucky to have him. I am just frustrated that we have done things 'right' and it isn't working compared to those that are not in stable relationship- it works.
Disappointed in Myself
Finally, I am disappointed in myself. I am sadden that my hubby thinks that I am not strong enough to handle this news and personally that I wasn't strong enough.
Infertility is tough, it consumes you, it makes bitter, irrational, and more importantly it leaves you empty inside. I do not like what infertility has done to me but I promise every day I fight back, I try to maintain strength and hope. To what dreams may come...
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