Wednesday, October 17, 2012

An upside to infertility – if there really is such a thing.

Even though Ben has labeled me a pessimist, I try my damnedest not to be so pessimistic.  I like to think of myself as a realist; but, I am sure there is some truth to what Ben is thinking.  I do my best to see the silver lining in bad situations.  Mostly, so I don’t focus on all the negativity and find myself spiraling out of control with either anxiety or depression. 
I have to admit that infertility hit me hard, just like everyone else going through it.  I had good days and bad days.  However, I tried to see an upside… for example, oh, I got my period this month… well then I get to drink on vacation/at the wedding/in general.  Yes, most of my silver linings were related to drinking.  Yes, I realize that is a cooping mechanism.  Stop judging me! J
Anyways, I have realized another upside to infertility this week.  I have saved up enough sick leave these last years to cover the full 12 weeks of FMLA!!!!  That’s right ladies and gentlemen, I said sick leave!  That doesn’t include my vacation leave at all!  Based on my projection, I will actually have about a week of sick leave and almost 4 weeks of vacation leave when I come back to work!  I can’t believe it! 
Please note that some of the reason I will have so much leave upon returning to work is that I work for a university and I will have 13 paid holidays during my maternity leave.  My university shuts down completely for about 2 weeks at Christmas and the President has provided us with paid holiday during that time in lieu of raises.  (Yes, always disappointed in July when I don’t receive a raise but always happy when he announces the paid 2 weeks at Christmas and 1 week for Spring Break !)
Anyways, I am overjoyed today and now am thinking I should ask off on Friday since my Mama is in town for the weekend!!

Friday, October 12, 2012

Becoming a mommy worries

Our little girl will be here in no time, approximately 7 weeks to go.  I can’t believe it.   I am very excited but I can’t lie and say that I am not scared shitless at the same time.  I am not scared yet about labor and delivery, but I am scared about not knowing anything about babies.  I was never really around them very much growing up and my nieces and nephews have all been born since I left home.  I see/spoil them just a few times a year if I am lucky.   Plus, due to the infertility, I have successfully avoided all the new moms in our circle.  It was disheartening at every pregnancy announce (as many of you know) and I retreated to protect my heart.
I am scared about how our life will be forever changed.  I am scared about being a single mom 4 nights out of the week while Ben is working.  Even though we have the most amazing friends surrounding us, I am scared that we live 10 hrs from both grandparents and neither of them can come running when I call.  I am scared that I am not emotionally strong enough to be a mommy.  I struggled with the responsibility of being a wife.  I am scared about being able to afford the baby and all that she will need from insurance, daycare, diapers, etc.  (Luckily, do to some awesome friends and family members, I do not think we will every have to worry about her going naked!  Unless, she is a nudist! J)  I am scared that I do not have the natural mommy instinct.
I am sure all new mommies worry about this insecurity too.   I know that it will all work out for the best.  But for right now, I am just scared.