Body Image

During our infertility struggles I turned to food for a little bit and gained enough weight that my clothes didn’t fit any more.  I started dieting/exercising.  At my peak fitness, I was 21% body fat.  I loved seeing my muscles.  I loved feeling stronger and watching myself get stronger.   I lost all that muscle tone I worked so hard to get when the holiday cookies started appearing, the fertility meds, and finally the pregnancy sweet tooth.

Even with losing tone I felt so strong after giving birth.  I felt empowered.  I felt like I was the strongest women in the world.  Yes, I realize women give birth every day all over the world without drugs and with much bigger babies.  But to me, delivery was the strongest I have ever felt.   I even felt a little sexy.  I wish I was more eloquent in explaining this feeling.  I hope all women feel this strong. 

Even though my body is not how I wish it was, I am still amazed at how strong it was to push a child out, my sweet little child.  I still feel empowered.  I have caught myself admiring my body shape in the mirror.  Sure there is extra lovin’ on those love handles but they were a right of passage.  Not that I ever had a straight body, I love having more of an hour glass shape.  Also, I do enjoy a little more fullness in my lovely lady lumps thanks to breastfeeding. 

It really made me feel like a true woman vs. a girl wearing mommy’s clothes. I really believed that something inside of me changed that day.  I feel more confident in myself and my abilities.  I am not sure if that change came from the strength/empowerment or if the difference was caused by being a mommy. 

I do want to start the diet/exercise regiment again to help flatten that belly pudge some.   However, right now any free time is sleep time for me.  I feel it is more beneficial to maximize sleep.  I have started trying to take Ava for walks.  I need to start using the bow flex again in the mornings but Ava is so inconsistent on wake up times.  Days that my pants are too tight or I am not liking the looks of my body, I remind myself my strength and also remind myself it took 9 months at put the weight on it will take 9 months to get it off. 

This post is a part of PAIL Bloggers monthly theme. 

Sleep

I asked daycare to provide me with Ava's typical schedule.  This was in their response:

"We have an overall schedule for the infant room that we use.  I will list it below.  A lot of the times, Ava doesn't follow the schedule but we really try."

Now I hate to say it but I find some peace/relief in this comment.  I am glad to hear that it isn't Ben and I doing anything wrong with Ava not sleeping.  That Ava is consistently not sleeping rather she is at home or at daycare.   However, I do not like the fact that she does not sleep well. 

Ava usually takes quick little 45 minute naps and still isn’t sleeping through the night.  We had hit a rough patch at night for the last couple of months where she was not sleeping more than 3-4 hours.  I thought I had a newborn again.  It was an adjustment especially because at 2 months she was sleeping from 7:30-3:00, nurse, and then back to sleep easily and up around 7ish.  

We kept blaming the lack of sleep on allergies, congestion, and teething.  I strongly feel like they were apart of the problem.   We didn’t know what to do and still don’t know really.  We just know that 1) she is a happy baby for the most part – think how happy she would be if she slept more! and 2) we are exhausted.

We have started increasing her milk intake.  We do have to supplement breast milk with formula but she has more breast milk.  She eats cereal or other food 2x a day. We are doing baby led weaning so she is definitely getting some food especially right before bed.  We were given a lullabies CD with heartbeats in the background and that seems to help more too.   We even swaddled her some.  Sometimes the swaddle works and sometimes it is like it keeps her up.

She is so squirmy most of the time.  We are using a bouncer and johnny jumpup and I am hoping that she will start exerting some of that energy more and more to help her sleep better.

Anyways, we are tired and open to suggestions how to get our sweet baby girl to sleep better so we can sleep better.  Or do we just wait it out and hopefully once crawling/walking she will sleep better? 

She does fall asleep well she just doesn't stay asleep.  We do find it best if she is on her belly.  We do not have her swaddle when she is sleeping on her belly. 

Please note- The cry it out method- I understand it works for some; I am just not ready for that yet. 

Monday Snapshot

Growing up I have fond memories of reading the Little House on the Prairie books.  My mom read them to me at least twice and I read them a handful of times also.  I have a porcelain doll collection of all the key characters in the series.  I can not wait to read these to Ava when she is older.  I plan on introducing a new doll every time we start a new book.  I am so excited!

Here is to future reading time with my lil' half  pint!

The Pen is Mightier than the Sword

Approximately 3.5 years ago…

Ben was working that night so I was home by myself mowing the lawn.  I had just finished making dinner and sat down to watch the new Big Bang episode when my close friend (and Ben’s co-worker) Teri called my phone.  There was a brief moment of “Yay! Teri is calling!” before the “Oh shit, Teri is calling.” thought crossed my mind.  See Teri and I always text (in fact I have unlimited texting because of her!) and up until that night Teri had never called me. 

As soon as I answered I knew the news was not going to be good but I didn’t know how bad it was going to be.   She asked if I had talked to Ben and I said no what is wrong.  She explained Ben was ok but he had gotten hurt at work.  At this point, I start freaking out in my head and of course I think the worse that he had been shot and the department and chaplain is on there to get me. (Ben and Teri both are police officers and work in the same area in the nearby city.)   My world turned upside down in the few seconds it took for her to explain what happened.

Teri said he got into a fight with a man on drugs.  Ben had tasered the man but it did not affect him.  The man continued towards Ben.  The man took the tasered from Ben and tasered Ben in the arm for 5-10 seconds causing Ben to fall backwards with the man on top of him.  The men tasered Ben in his neck for approximately 20 seconds.  While being tasered in the neck Ben was able to grab a pen from his pocket and stab the man in the face.  The man got up and ran away.  Then Ben’s co-workers all arrived on scene to help Ben and some caught up with the man later that night.   (Please note that this happened in a matter of seconds.  Usually, Ben is not alone or the other officer is pulling up.)  Per Teri, Ben was conscious but out of it.  He was loaded up in the ambulance and taken to the ER as a routine precaution.  

He finally called me or I called him I can’t remember exactly but he said he was fine (I could tell he wasn’t) but I was suppose to stay home.  I didn’t need to come get him.  He was released from the hospital ok and finished the paperwork before he came home.  He even went into work the next day even though everyone told him to take a couple of days off.  He suffered mostly disappointing himself by allowing himself to getting into that position.

It took him awhile to realize he did everything he could have at the time of the incident that things like this just happen on the job.  The man was high as a kite on God knows what and the taser was ineffective.   He now goes and talks about his experiences to the new cadets which I think is the best therapeutic thing for him.  Plus, it is a good annual reminder for him that he is not invisible. 

So I request from you as a LEO (Law Enforcement Officer) wife, remember the cop that gave you a spending ticket or any other interaction with an officer that more than likely s/he has a family that loves him/her.  S/he may be struggling with infertility or other similar problems too. 

I love my officer.  He is my prince charming.   

Remember to thank a cop this week to celebrate National Police Officer Week. 

currently...

 currently...

• missing the freedom I had before Miss Ava.  I would just like to go to the grocery store by myself without having to worry about every little detail. However, I wouldn’t change it for the world.  I am just adapting to my new role as a mommy!
• craving some romance!  I would love to be swept off my feet and be taken.  
• accepting that I am not going to get my CPA.  After studying for 2 years, I am done.  I am tired exhausted and want to focus on what I want to be remembered for… being a mommy!
• loving the way Ava looks at me and smiles in the morning or well anytime she looks at me with those beautiful blue eyes and smiles knowing I am here to take care of her forever.
• needing to catch up on my house work!  I need to go through clothes and donate them, landscaping, and just every day cleaning.
• listening to Dave Matthew Band on Mum & Son Pandora station.
• watching Ava grow and develop every day.  We are now sitting with little support and trying to make noises blowing out of our mouths.
• wanting to take a relaxing shower without a sense of hurry or interruption including a shaving my legs.
• hoping to make the best out of our summer. 
• desiring a good nights rest without interruption!