Tuesday, December 6, 2011


Firstly, I apoligize for only talking about depressing items in my post.  I promise that I am generally a happy person! 

Did I mention that I have beeing obtaining my CPA?  November 17th I took the FAR (Accounting section) of the CPA exam for the second time.  I should find out my score tomorrow-fingers crossed.  Prior to November 17th, I am a wreck!  The meaning of a CPA Widow is full affect in our household.  Luckily, the hubby is very supportive and I am sure he will need a present upon my completion just like I will!  Currently debating on a new Coach purse or a Nook!

Anyways, the evening after taking the test I had a huge weight lifted off my chest.  I tried not to focus on the next exam, REG (regulations & taxes), that I am taking in January.  I tried to relax and thought I was fairly successful. 

At Qdoba at lunch on November 18th, I was checking Facebook and saw my brother-in-law's wife posted, "Heard the heartbeat, today!"   I texted Hubby and asked if his brother's wife was pregnant.  It seemed like it took him an eternity to respond. The next thing I knew is I was answering the hubby's call and walking into the Qdoba's bathroom.  I knew instantly it was true.  In the process of trying to breathe and not to cry (I'm a ugly cryer), I was asking the Hubby 20 questions.

In summary of the conversation, I learned that Hubby knew that they were pregnant for awhile now and had asked his brother and wife to hold of posting on Facebook until after my exam and he had a chance to tell me.  He understood how much this would devastate me.  I think I cried that entire weekend.  I still shouldn't be trusted alone in my car not to break down. 

Disappointed in my brother-in-law's wife
They, also, experienced a little infertility.  They have been trying for a year or so to get pregnant.  They are younger, but her cycle is out of whack.  I know she had a clomid but am unaware if she used it.  Of all people, she should understand what it means to hear pregnancy announcements on Facebook.  She should have been more considerate.  I understand she is just super excited, but I know if/when I became pregnant that there is a few IF that I will personally be calling and letting them know I am pregnant because... well mostly, out of respect. 

Disappointed in the World
My brother-in-law and wife are currently living with my in laws.   They are not in the best place at all in their marriage.  A friend even questions their marriage and if the baby is just for the maternal grandmother.  My brother-in-law's wife has announced that after the baby is born she is spending time down with her mother's and my brother-in-law will just have to accept it.   My husband and I are a good place in our marriage.  After five years, I would say we are in the best place in our marriage that we have ever been.  Infertility has made us closer, somehow.  I am very, truly lucky to have him. I am just frustrated that we have done things 'right' and it isn't working compared to those that are not in stable relationship- it works. 

Disappointed in Myself
Finally, I am disappointed in myself.  I am sadden that my hubby thinks that I am not strong enough to handle this news and personally that I wasn't strong enough. 

Infertility is tough, it consumes you, it makes bitter, irrational, and more importantly it leaves you empty inside.   I do not like what infertility has done to me but I promise every day I fight back, I try to maintain strength and hope.  To what dreams may come...

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