Disappointed

Firstly, I apoligize for only talking about depressing items in my post.  I promise that I am generally a happy person! 

Did I mention that I have beeing obtaining my CPA?  November 17th I took the FAR (Accounting section) of the CPA exam for the second time.  I should find out my score tomorrow-fingers crossed.  Prior to November 17th, I am a wreck!  The meaning of a CPA Widow is full affect in our household.  Luckily, the hubby is very supportive and I am sure he will need a present upon my completion just like I will!  Currently debating on a new Coach purse or a Nook!

Anyways, the evening after taking the test I had a huge weight lifted off my chest.  I tried not to focus on the next exam, REG (regulations & taxes), that I am taking in January.  I tried to relax and thought I was fairly successful. 

At Qdoba at lunch on November 18th, I was checking Facebook and saw my brother-in-law's wife posted, "Heard the heartbeat, today!"   I texted Hubby and asked if his brother's wife was pregnant.  It seemed like it took him an eternity to respond. The next thing I knew is I was answering the hubby's call and walking into the Qdoba's bathroom.  I knew instantly it was true.  In the process of trying to breathe and not to cry (I'm a ugly cryer), I was asking the Hubby 20 questions.

In summary of the conversation, I learned that Hubby knew that they were pregnant for awhile now and had asked his brother and wife to hold of posting on Facebook until after my exam and he had a chance to tell me.  He understood how much this would devastate me.  I think I cried that entire weekend.  I still shouldn't be trusted alone in my car not to break down. 

Disappointed in my brother-in-law's wife
They, also, experienced a little infertility.  They have been trying for a year or so to get pregnant.  They are younger, but her cycle is out of whack.  I know she had a clomid but am unaware if she used it.  Of all people, she should understand what it means to hear pregnancy announcements on Facebook.  She should have been more considerate.  I understand she is just super excited, but I know if/when I became pregnant that there is a few IF that I will personally be calling and letting them know I am pregnant because... well mostly, out of respect. 

Disappointed in the World
My brother-in-law and wife are currently living with my in laws.   They are not in the best place at all in their marriage.  A friend even questions their marriage and if the baby is just for the maternal grandmother.  My brother-in-law's wife has announced that after the baby is born she is spending time down with her mother's and my brother-in-law will just have to accept it.   My husband and I are a good place in our marriage.  After five years, I would say we are in the best place in our marriage that we have ever been.  Infertility has made us closer, somehow.  I am very, truly lucky to have him. I am just frustrated that we have done things 'right' and it isn't working compared to those that are not in stable relationship- it works. 

Disappointed in Myself
Finally, I am disappointed in myself.  I am sadden that my hubby thinks that I am not strong enough to handle this news and personally that I wasn't strong enough. 

Infertility is tough, it consumes you, it makes bitter, irrational, and more importantly it leaves you empty inside.   I do not like what infertility has done to me but I promise every day I fight back, I try to maintain strength and hope.  To what dreams may come...

Is it wrong of me?

After 2.5 years of infertility, I have identified a few friends that I won't be able to handle if got preggers before me rather it be because they are just not ready or for some other crazy reason. Another set of friends are now talking about trying. They are stable, intelligent, our age, and more importantly ready. I should be able to handle this right? Nope! I mean they aren't even trying and I still upset by it.

Everytime, I think I am strong to handle the infertility label something rocks me to the core. How can I learn to get over the hurt and pain? I'm alone in the infertility world in Kellyland. Some days its a good day somedays it is a bad day... But all I can do is take one day at a time and if thats is not working then all I can do is take one hour, minute, or even second at a time.

Well it ever get easier?

Extremely Early B-day Present

My husband is an avid hunter/fisher.  In fact, sometimes I wonder if the only reason we purchased our house is because it has a pond on it.  I clearly remember when we first went and looked at the house as soon as Hubby saw the pond it didn't matter what shape the house was in.  Luckily for me, the house was in good shape.  I think I earned major brownie points with my mother in law (MIL) with our house and the pond.  Per MIL, Hubby always asked Santa for a pond when he was a little boy.  I love that we are blessed to have a pond for him now.

I like trying new things and enjoying Hubby's activities with him.  I have been know to go hunting with him from time to time.  I have dragged and skinned deer with him.  It is some of my favorite moments.  We occassionally have shooting get-togathers with friends.

How does this related to my birthday present?  Well... Hubby bought me a crossbow.  A what?  Yes, a cross bow. 

(Please don't look at how cluttered my table is!  But do notice the centerpiece that I made from a Pinterest!)

Now, the next step is practice shooting my crossbow.  I really do enjoy it!  I am not sure if I can shoot Bambi's Momma... but Hubby thinks I can.  I guess we will have to wait and see!  Crossbow season starts next month!

Oh, also my brother-in-law got a crossbow this year.... it is a race to see who successful uses it first!  He is going to be so upset!!! haha :)

Thought Vomit Thursday

I am definately stealing the Thought Vomit Thursday from a blog I read on occasion.  I like the idea and today I cannot formulate one good thought to write about.  So here is what is floating around Kellyland today:

• I have dropped 2-3 dress sizes!  I bought a new pair of jeans last weekend and they are 2 sizes smaller than what I was wearing!    I have been doing the MaxMuscle diet and I have lost weight and did not really modify my diet at all. I still eat meat, potatoes, and everything in between.  Having said that I have no motivation to continue to my goal.  My original goal was to lower my body fat % since we will be starting IVF next spring.  I wanted to be healthiest I could be.  Now, I am content.  I still would like to lost 5 lbs more and gain some more muscle... but again need motivation.
• I have an impending CPA exam in less than a month.  I hope I pass this time!  I am studying hard and efficiently so fingers crossed!  Can I tell ya how much I hate Deluted Earnings Per Share and Deferred Taxes!  (Sorry, went geeky on ya!)
• I hate it when people touch me constantly!  I love doing the 'hey, haven't seen ya in a while hug' but after that stop touching me!  My BFF is in this touch, grope phase to me and it is driving me nuts... must find a way to politely, kindly say "Stop explictive touching me!"
• I have to call my mother in law and give her the updated IVF news.  My hubby isn't a talker so I need to let her know whats up.  What's up you ask?  We are starting IVF in January!  I am excited, scared, nervous, and everything in between.  Looking for someone who is starting/going through IVF now that I can follow so I am not caught off guard when we start. 

I think that this is it for me today.  Have a happy!!
Kel

Susan G Komen 5k

This morning I ran the breast cancer 5k with my best friend, Teri! She is a runner, she absolutely loves it. So when I mention running it she was all for it!

This past year my grandma has battled vreast cancer. Thanks to a new mammogram machine tgey detected the lump before she could even feel it. Se has gone thru chemo and has jist finished radiation. She is doing great! I live close to 10 hours away from her now and I'm not very good at calling her like I should so today I ran (ok, I walked some) for her. Its the best I can do right now.

Anyhoo, I felt great afterwards! Teri and I ate a huge brrakfast after the run and just had some girl bonding. We have needed it!

PINK it isn't just a color it is a CAUSE!

Helpful Friends

Because I found this extremely helpful...

http://eggsandsperm.com/2011/09/06/so-whats-a-fertile-to-do/

Anger

I have noticed that the past couple of months I have been fueled with anger and I am currently on a journey to identify the cause and deal with the anger.  I have unfortunately taken it out on people that I love and care and I realize this is a bad thing and I have apologized profusely. 

A little background before I explain the current cause of anger.

My Hubby and I have been trying to conceive (TTC) for 2.5 years.  We have had no luck with 3 IUIs and are now saving money for IVF.  We have a great support network of close friends/family that is aware of our issues.  Our infertility is a combination of his and mine infertility.  When I ovulate his stuff doesn’t like to swim.  When he is swimming my stuff doesn’t work. (I will do a timeline soon!) 

We were watching the news the other day and a 34 yo man was killed.  His sister was on the news saying he was a new grandfather.  Yeah, that’s right a 34 year old grandfather!!! Argh!  Anyways, that rocked me to the core.   

Next, we had friends over for dinner that night a JT said that God does not give anyone something they are not ready for.  I smiled and thanked him.  JT has been great in the past for us. 

Here is the anger part, how can God think that it is ok for a 34 year old to be grandfather but we are not able to be parents.

My husband and I are in a great place with our marriage, careers, and life in general.  All we are missing is a little one that is spitting image of us.   I’m afraid that if we keep going the way we are that we will have 10 dogs with in the next 5 years! We already at 4!  I think I live in a zoo sometimes.

Anyways, I promise future blogs won’t be so depressing. 

Kelly